So it's been a few months, maybe almost a year since I have posted on here. Things with school, work and other hoopla's got out of control. I am a very busy person but for some reason the blog thing still beckons to me from time to time. I have a need to express myself? Yea I'm sure that's why. I also feel safer on here than writing in some diary because no one I know in real life, well one person but she's special, is my friend on here or knows I blog.
School is going wonderful at the moment. I really love studying Geology and that I can take class's right away for my major. Math is lacking though, so I might end up being a few years extra because of catching up to do with all of that. I have been really depressed though, for some reason living in the city and I'm sure it's not because I am home sick. Everytime I go home my mother tells me to leave because she doesn't want me there. Oh well, at least I have some place to go now right? Just being in school has made me become depressed. I hope it goes away haha right?
Lately, roommate issues is what has been making me irritated beyond any means or measures I thought possible. I try to be a mellow person. I don't like to make a fuss about things and I can take a lot before I get fed up with something. But, just one semester with my roommate being crazy possessive, but still using my shit? Then when I play my music she yells at me but she always plays her music? Hell to think I had one more roommate and there is just two of us.. 3 people is a lot to handle in one condensed area.
I never thought people could be so selfish. Oh well I guess this is all a learning process.
I decided I'm going to try a water/juice fast. I dont feel healthy living in the city and always eating shitty take-out or campus food. HA I love that they complain about kids coming to college gaining weight when the food they serve is horrible beyond horrible for you. I mean I have maintained a healthy weight give or take a few pounds here and there depending on the stress levels. I was reading online that water fasts can actually make you feel better and help you rethink how you eat food and everything, and that is what i NEED so much. I need to relearn how to control the food i eat and what types of foods I am eating. I am not "fasting" fasting. I am going to be eating and drinking vegetable juice and alternating between water and juice. After all the research I read I figured this is the safest thing to do so your body doesn't go into "starvation mode" and you don't end up sick and withering like an Anorexic bitch.
FYI I do not support it ONE BIT. Girls with eating disorders needs help. I was once one of them, been there done that.
It is funny though, now that I got all the treatment and help I still resort to "fastings" and things of that nature to make myself feel healthy and lose weight. I am goign to attempt this as a spiritual thing and not so much a number's game on the scale. Number have only distracted me and made me want to give up each time I didn't make progress like I wished. I hope this time is different. I have been crocheting a lot more to keep my mind off of things so hopefully making myself busy and not being bored will help.
Unbearable. I feel like the Lame Duck in office when all these campaigns are going on for guys who want my job, and no one cares about anything I do. That is what it feels like to be a senior in high school. I don't really care, teachers really don't care, people don't care, the juniors are getting all excited and pumped to take our place... It's just one big drabby stupid scene.
My boyfriend has a little brother who is 13, and is completely trying way too hard to grow up and be an adult. He talks back, he's mouthy, he always breaks the rules and he's failing middle school. What a wonderful scenario right? I went into town with his mom and little brother, and she went inside to get something for her phone, and right before that I told her about how I am apprehensive about moving out. He asked if me and Derek are moving out together and I told him no, I am moving out to Akron and he was wowed by it.
I remember when I was his age I was wowed by the same stuff, kids moving out and on their own, wishing I was able to do that because I thought my parents were crazy and trying to hold me back. I am at that point, and it's nearing in very quickly and I am terrified.
Sorry everyone. Track has been epic time consuming, and school has gotten very strenuous and I am preparing for college and whatnot. My life has been great really. I have been losing a lot of weight sense I got into track. :D I am happy with myself over all and life if wonderful.
Remember, if there's nothing to appreciate at the end of the day, it has been wasted. So make sure you have something to live for!
I do not know how many of you have read any of my previous blogs, but, my family life is a little rough. My father=drug addict and put us in a finical fuck-up. Mother= crazy.. buttttt it's okay I love her ahha. Brother= mean.
I am in this English class with a teacher who I have found to be hilarious, charming, and wonderful at teaching the material we're covering which of course is English Literature. We're doing bits on satire and heroic couplets. Great stuff really, actually analyzing poetry that is meant to be analyzed. Well as everyone knows the health care bill was passed. I have done three research projects on this reform, lots of different research and in different stages of the bill that we have today.
ONE it DOES not cover illegal immigrants because you kinda have to be a citizen to receive it. Think about it! Green Card and or social security and tax records. DUH TWO its making social health care AN OPTION for people WHO CANT AFFORD IT. People like my dad who has preexisting conditions and no job because of these conditions. NOT drug related, because he's clean, but actual things that can stop him from being able to work. So he would get a job, but fail. THREE it's making it that insurance companies cant fuck people over anymore, like raising premiums, life time caps, or denying/dropping preexisting conditions.
THESE ARE GOOD THINGS!!!! it's not making health care SOCIAL. fuck people READ once in awhile. I promise it will do good.. All of those points I made, my teacher countered. He said "Why shouldn't they pay for it, if i have to pay for it?"
UHM lets see, if you lost YOUR job you would want those benefits, I promise you. That's what happened to me and my family when my dad lost his job and got a divorce. Isn't America about fucking equal opportunity? He has four kids, and is a teacher. He could lose his job any moment like the rest of the people in America today.
He said wel-fare isn't fair. This hit close to me because of this, "I hate, when I go to the store and with my last little bit of money in my checking account I go out to buy a gallon of milk for my kids, there is a person in line who has done nothing to better themselves, with all these lovely groceries. I went to college and worked hard to better myself, and there they are getting free food forever, never having to honestly work."
There was so much wrong with this, I got so mad I almost cried. Welfare is capped. They stop giving you food stamps and what not over a period of time. And you can't sign up again for a couple of years. Like unemployment.
I decided that, because he wants us to write a satire about an issue in society... I am going to write one about people like him. People who don't know what it's like to live in poverty, to have everything and then have nothing. unable to make house payments and fighting with banks, loan officials, credit car companies, and none of it be your fault. To have no health care, to have nothing to your name, in a matter of moments. There are only FEW who cheat the system, because those who do get caught get dicked like no other. I am sorry I do my research about something before I go spewing nonsense to a class of high school kids, saying the only way to fix the problems is to vote all of the democrats out of office. I am no conservative, I am no democrat, I am for the rights of people and equal, fair, opportunity for those who don't have that chance or options, and to secure those who have those options and chances.
I have never been more upset in my entire life, none more ashamed of who I am because apparently people like ME are the problem. People like my mother who is handicapped from having 3 heart attacks, yes fucking 3, and can't work more then she does and make 7,000 a year. People like me who have irresponsible dads or parents who do drugs, and take second mortgages, and run up debit and withdraw over 10,000 dollars at strip clubs and fuck my family over, who, of course did not deserve any of this that is thrown on us. That is why people like me, people who don't have many options do to money, shouldn't pay for health care and have some benefits. Put yourself in my shoes, how would you like it? You would want the help. Don't even tell me you wouldn't. Only bigot pompous assholes would deny what I am saying, and you my dears need to get your thumbs out of your asses. People who live in shit holes, in cities, with no other options of getting out. What about those kids? Give them a chance to be cared about. or watch masses decay before our eyes, and in the open. People should be given a lift who have lost that step. I know if it was you, you would feel like I feel.
It's hard not to cry over stuff like this, but I can make a difference by getting out and seizing my opportunity before some pompous bigot tries to take it away from me.
I just read an interesting blog about a 7 year old wanting to have babies by the time she is 17, and "all the older kids are doing it".
I think girls being younger than 23 wanting kids is... well.. Fucked up. I mean, you get to miss out on so much if you take on that responsibility. Having a child on a mistake vs. Wanting a child as a teenager are much much different. Read and understand what I am saying, Mistake Vs. Want.
Of course back in the 50s it was normal for teenagers to have kids because when you come to think about it, we didnt seem to live as long as we do today. Plus, morals for a female were different then today. We are not forced to believe we need to spend our lives raising kids and living at home making blankets or whatever is how to spend our lives.
Shows that portray teenage pregnancy, like life of the American Teenager, are shows I never bother watching much. I don't like the American Teenager one or whatever it's called. I watched 5 episodes of it with my friend and I thought "Wow, this is nothing like high school" and got over it. It is, but it isn't. You have sluts, you have ma whore guys, the naive freshman, yadda yadda.
I just feel that girls wanting kids young or while still in high school is weird, awkward, and wrong. Wrong for the mother and father who more than likely doesn't want the kid, weird because people WILL stop, stare, point, and laugh and trust me everyone does.... Awkward because you have to figure going to school, no school, stay at home, work, and or going to school, dropping out, or being home schooled...
Honestly if you have a problem with this, I don't care. I feel our society is too demanding and not everyone's life is tip top to smoothly take this on. When you're 17 or younger then 21 you haven't even fully developed mentally yet. Babies can wait. It's not good to have one to trap a boyfriend, or whatever other reasons a girl would want one.
I find myself wanting to number my entries, as if I am writing in a diary. I have that weird habit of dating everything I write because so many things become blurs in my head. I was discussing this with my friend and his family yesterday when we all were at the same college visit. It's scary to rethink kindergarden was so long ago, when it doesn't feel like we have been in school that long. Kyle has been my friend sense kindergarden, and ironically we're going for the same field of interest which is Teaching English or History. So we'll be having all the same classes again more then likely like we have been for the last 12 years. Yea strange how he's been in all my classes or at least one or two.
Yes it's that stage all over again about thinking how old I have gotten without even realizing it. How distant some things have become without thinking twice about them, and how I let the good things get away at times, and how I have held the right ones close. I love saying "I have been friends with her sense 1st grade" or "I have been his buddy for the twelve years of hell we've been through".
Derek brought something to my attention last night that I feel guilty about, actually. He said that he finds it strange I can blog about all these feelings and thoughts that I cannot tell him most of the time. My honest answer is "I write better then I talk about things".
It's not that I don't trust him, love him, admire, appreciate, or any of that.. It really is I have an easier time writing about my problems then discussing them. It would be easy for me to write a musing about my nightmares then talking about the things I have nightmares of. I wish he would not take it so personal it's just traumatic.
